Loser

This word has been running through my mind since Saturday night. I attended a little reunion and was reaquainted with numerous old work mates and friends that I had lost touch with.

Amidst the loud conversations surrounding me there was one conversation that left me pondering if I was a loser. I know it was not a conversation that was meant to judge me, because they did not know my situation, but it stung to think that they would think of me this way.

The conversation was regardng another person at the soiree. They were talking about someone they had a relationship with and in an effort to put them down, said that they couldn’t believe they went out with this person who was now in their forties and had a roommate and what a loser they were. Ouch…..

I will be turning 40 at the end of the year, and I have a roommate and don’t own a home, does that make me a loser. I realize, or I hope that this was just a way for them to feel better about themselves since they had done well for themselves in this manner. But does that make them any better than the other?

I’m not saying this is what they really think, but things do roll out of our mouths for a reason and in some ways it could have a hint of truth, because for them this is how they were raised and these were the goals that were instilled upon them. I wish that this was something that was transferred on to me, but then when I really think about it, is that something I have ever really wanted?

I will admit I wish the lessons of finances were something that my family would have taught me, but this was not how they were raised and therefore this was not something that was passed down, nor was it something that I ever really thought about. I think that every one comes from a different mind set, and a lot of that is developed through your childhood and our parents influence on us and mixed with whether your mind is more creative or more analyical or more money oriented, etc….. you will think a certain way. 

My family was not wealthy by any means, but I was never left wanting for anything. Instead of finances, I learned about caring and being compassionate for others. I learned the value of integrity and thoughtfulness. I learned that everyone deserves to be treated equally and loved including what some would see as faults. I learned the gift of giving of oneself to help another. I learned the gift of laughter. And never once did I go a day without knowing that I was loved. These words were spoken everyday. Of course I am not saying that people who are more goal oriented or think more about their financial future don’t have these things. I do not like to make generalities, but it does point people in different directions.

I know that my life has taken a different path than what society has deemed the way to a fulfilled life. I don’t own a home, I don’t have children or a relationship, but it does not make me a loser. My journey has led me down a path that has been fulfilling. I have accomplished many things to be proud of. I am the first in my family to go to college and get a degree. I have travelled the world. I have the most amazingly entertaining, kind, loving and caring friends and parents one could ask for.  

The way I see it, I am still on this journey and I may be a bit lost but I am not a loser.   

Core 7 Girls

Hello- I know some of you may have already seen this lovely little piece of work created by my dear friend Johnny, but for those who haven’t sen it yet, ENJOY!

http://www.zshare.net/video/57964175c7b5047e/

Hope it made you smile.

Simply-

Lori

Release (poetry from the archives)

My mind is racing

spinning, turning

whirling                                                                            

bigger than the wind

Thoughts so powerful

beyond the force

Dreaming

Feeling

Living

Passion

Fruit of love

Fruit of life

Living in a womb

trapped in fear

Worry

Pain

Rejection always

around the corner

Look ahead

What is the goal?

Live

live, alive

Why wait?

What are you waiting for?

Let it be now

There is more

More to come

More to see

More to do

More to be

Look inside

Don’t hide

Go with the tide

Rush out

Rush in

Time has no top

Never stop

The future is now

There is no past

Forget

Don’t just sit

in a pit

where the fit

of anger lies

anger of what wasn’t done

what wasn’t seen,

heard

felt

brought out of its shell

don’t turn back

run forward

lift up your shirt

and yell

FUCK YOU!!!!

No more of the hell.

A life in another world

A swig of whiskey

A condom in your back pocket

And you’re ready

Free as you can be

To do what can be done

With whomever you want

Whenever

And for whatever reason

Go on and do it

The fear will subside

No rules to abide

No one from to hide

It’s your turn to ride

So you can say you tried

Before you died.

More (poetry from the archives)

She’s week.

She continues to give

but her soul wants more

it expects more.

Her life

She continues to give

so soon there will be nothing left

but she will find something more.

Her heart

continues to give

piece by piece

it will no longer pump

the stream will stop running

her heart will continue to beat

to a rhythm no longer heard

beyond range

waiting for more

wanting more

but always giving

always wondering

when more will come to her.

Lori

Never give up

Thoughts of the past have haunted me through the present and I am left wondering was it worth it? Is the reality what I wished it would be, and what I am wishing for?

What I wished and hoped are definitely not what reality has given me. The thoughts of one person in particular have been with me for as many years as I have lived in Los Angeles. I never really thought about what would happen if I finally saw him again. Or what I would want to happen in the future. I guess a part of me was hoping for the romance. I guess a part of me thought that if I put this much thought into him that he was the one. This is definitely not what reality has given me.

I’ve been told that romance is overrated, and maybe it is, but to even receive a glimmer would be more than I’ve ever received. I know it’s not hopeless. I know it’s possible it’s just a matter of when. To some it comes early and to others it comes late. And then there are those that have had it numerous times. It seems that maybe mine will be in the future. I cannot give up hope. If I give up hope I will loose the dreamer in me. I won’t let that be taken from me. I have been chasing after things that have ultimately been unobtainable. I have to change course. In my quest to get near this wish/dream/hope I will have to dig deep to repair the damaged bits so that someone will eventually see that I can accept and deserve to be given the reality I want.

It will happen someday.

Firsts

I’ve been thinking about my firsts. My first kiss, my first pet, my first love…….

So here is a list of firsts:  Be warned you may not want to know some of these things. So close your eyes.

• First pet (that I remember): Tarzan - He was run over in front me when I was in elementary school. I’ll save you the imagery, but let’s say I have been traumatized for life.
• First Kiss: Jessie Saunders, 5th grade.
• First French kiss: Alexander Huges 9th grade.
• First pornographic experience: 6 years old, hidden porn mags under the dirty clothes in the hamper.
• First Car: Blue Dodge Colt, but quickly acquired the red Toyota pick up truck that most everyone remembers me driving for 16 years.
• First contact with male genitalia: 11thgrade, the guy who played “Rocky” in Ken Theatre cast of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” while watching “Children of the Corn” with Brad and Stephanie in the same room. Oh those were the days.
• First Boyfriend: 5th grade, his name was Jeremy and I can’t remember his last name. He had blond hair (totally not my type, no wonder it didn’t last)
• First bra: 5th grade, no wonder I had a boyfriend so early.
• First time I had sex: 21 years old. His name Jeremy. I can never remember his last name. (Why is it I can’t remember the last names of the Jeremy’s?) I know that probably seems late in the game, but I’d been masturbating since I was six, so I guess I wasn’t in a hurry.
• First time out of the country: 9th grade, 1 week trip with fellow students in spanishclass with Mr. Montez. We went to Mexico City, Orizaba and Veracruz.
• First Unrequited Crush: Keith Laferriere. High School 11th grade.
• First job: I was 15 1/2. San Diego Mission Bay snack bar, where I learned how to make kick ass guacamole.
• First Love: Arthur Long “Sonny” Unknowingly to him.
• First concert: 9 years old - Donny & Marie and the Osmond brothers. And I wore my purple socks, because Donny wore purple socks.
• First movie: I would love to be able to tell you this, but I’ve been going to the movies since I was 3 months old. One of the first movies I remember was Bambi, but only because I was totally traumatized for life by the death of Bambi’s mom.
• First rated R movie: Probably “Deliverance” unknowingly to my parents. We were at the Drive In and I was supposed to be asleep in the cab over camper.
• First school: Florence Elementary in San Diego.
• First phone #: 619-291-5403

 Ok, there will always be more firsts, but I will have to come up with more at a later date. Maybe next time it will be a list of my favorite things.

25

Live one day at a time……

and make it a masterpiece. The following words are not my own, but those of the Dalai Lama.

Some of it you may have heard before in another variation, or you have felt but never acted upon. I find it all like a guide to a better more peaceful life. Now if I can practice all of this with the life I am living.

The A to Zen of life……

• A void negative sources, people, places & habits
• B elieve in yourself
• C onsider things from every angle
• D on’t give up and don’t give in
• E verything you’re looking for lies behind the mask you wear
• F amily & friends are hidden treasures, seek them & enjoy their riches
• G ive more than you planned to
• H ang on to your dreams
• I f opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door
• J udge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it
• Keep trying no matter how hard it seems
• L ove yourself
• M ake it happen
• N ever lie, cheat or steal
• O pen your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values
• P ractice makes perfect
• Q uality not quantity in anything you do
• R emember that silence is sometimes the best answer
• S top procrastinating
• T ake control of your own destiny
• U nderstand yourself in order to better understand others
• V isualize it
• W hen you lose, don’t lose the lesson
• X cellence in all your efforts
• Y ou are unique nothing can replace you
• Z ero in on your target & go for it 

I hope that you can find something in this for yourself.

Lori’s 2008 Movie Picks

So I got a degree in film and figured the one thing Icould do is put together my lists for best & worst films, along with a little diddy I like to call my list of feel good movies. Of course I haven’t seen every single film out there, that would be Oren, but I did see a majority.

Here ya go………………..

Worst (Not in any particular order)

Based on the “Wish I could have walked out factor”.

1. 88 Minutes
2. Made of Honor
3. Speedracer
4. The Happening
5. X-files
6. The Women
7. Pride & Glory
8. Four Christmases
9. Cassandra’s Dream
10. Indiana Jones (1 too many)

Best (No particular order)

Based on acting, story, meaning & execution of it all.

1. Young at Heart
2. The Visitor
3. Frozen River
4. Henry Poole is Here
5. Religulous
6. Happy Go Lucky
7. Changeling
8. Milk
9. The Reader
10. Wendy & Lucy

Feel good flicks

Based on leaving the theatre with a smile on my face.

1. Role Models
2. Tropic Thunder
3. Mamma Mia
4. Kung Fu Panda
5. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
6. Teeth
7. House Bunny
8. 27 Dresses
9. Last Chance Harvey
10. Bolt

Ok, so there you have it. I know some will say “Where’s Slumdog Millionaire”? Well I have a tendency to step away from the films people over rave about. It simply didn’t work for me. I didn’t feel anything while I watched it. I didn’t feel a depth in the characters. It seemed all flash to me. But I realize I am in the minority on this one. But that’s art, it is so subjective. Objective? Subjective? I always get so confused with that.

Now let’s see what 2009 has to offer.

100%

In an attempt to find a positive outlook on things I came up with this………….

“By not giving 100% of yourself to everything, you are shorting yourself of the greatest potential you can be.”

Okay, I’m not sure how original it may be, but when it came to me today, while writing in my journal, it was an epiphany (I love that word….. epiphany)  I realized that I have not been giving 100% to much of anything for a very long time, this includes giving myself 100%. Now I know that there is no way that I can meet this high of an expectation everyday. Everyday will lend itself to a multitude of challenges or mood swings, but I need to be aware that I need to try to give the best that I can give everyday. If I am able to accomplish this I think that it will create a sense of satisfaction that I haven’t felt in what feels like forever.

Well with that said, lets see if I remember it tomorrow when I wake up. I think I will need to put post it notes everywhere…..100%……..100%………..100%…………………..